white male consumer

As an American, I only vaguely care about the domestic politics of other nations. While many throughout the world will watch rabidly as America sinks to new lows, it takes special circumstances for the typical person in the United States to tune in to outside electoral events. This includes, but is not limited to, whether or not we’ve recently invaded the country, whether an invasion is a strong possibility after the election, and whether the election results might negatively affect trade between that country and the US (and thus, precipitate talks of an invasion).

So, I blithely ignored the recent election in Canada. However, the victory of Conservative candidate Stephen Harper has given me some things to mull over. Firstly, that glorious dream of marijuana coffeeshops lining the border between Canada and the US will likely not become a reality in the near future. Which is a pity, mostly for Americans (readily apparent), but also for Canadians and even the Conservative Party itself.

Because truly, a platform based around both cutting taxes and increasing government expenditures is self-defeating. The only way of achieving that goal, in my mind, is with the taxable income made by decriminalizing marijuana!

So take care, my North American comrades. They’ve already shot themselves in the foot. It might seem dark now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. America in these recent years has shown an amazing capability of surviving in the face of bloodsucking, neoconservative swine. And Germany also went from a left government to center-right just a few months ago – while I was there even. And as a foreign citizen, I was not unduly molested. And if you can say that about Germany, well then…

This new government can’t be that bad, in the end. Yes, the party name sounds scary. Stephen Harper looks a little lumpy, a little doughy. And all the talk about cutting taxes is unnerving. But undoubtably, all your fellow countrymen wanted was a bit of change. Over a decade of Liberal rule? Yes, that must have gotten drab.

And, ultimately? If some poor, brave Canadian really can’t take this oppressive new government? I will step up, and do my best to trade places with the sorry soul. Because really, we’re all just people, and we need to help each other out.

Plus, I think I might have glaucoma or something.